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Media Watch is back. The transfer window is back. There’s a lot of nonsense, including quite literally ‘unbelievable’ weapon transfers.
four stars
It’s January, and that means transfer nonsense. Well, even more transfer nonsense. It never actually stops, nonsense. But it definitely ramps up in January, and what’s especially nice about January nonsense compared to summer nonsense is that less of it actually happens.
Take this virtuoso effort from The mirrorfor example. Here’s what we’ve got, at the time of writing, the main story on the Mirror’s football homepage. On top of actual things that can happen, eg Trent Alexander-Arnold is joining Real Madrid.. Over Arsenal actually won a real football match last night. i The original Premier League title race.
And it’s basically nothing more than Daniel Orme just writing Arsenal transfer fanfic.
Mikel Arteta’s dream Arsenal XI if he makes four transfers during the January window.
There’s too much emphasis on the ‘dream’ here, because Mediawatch can’t stress enough that the actual chance of it coming true is close to zero compared to the chances of Arteta leaving Arsenal to take the Spurs job.
Fair play to the mirror, though, because they’ve helpfully highlighted the second key word that shows the sheer absurdity of what’s to be done.
Because we are not saying that Arsenal will definitely not sign four players during the January transfer window. It’s just something they haven’t done in almost 20 years. And with respect to Theo Walcott, Emmanuel Adebayor, Carlos Vela and Abou Diaby, Sperry The Mirror suggests Arsenal’s 2025 kick-start is on a slightly different level.
Let’s get into it, shall we?
Arsenal could spend millions under Mikel Arteta this January – and have an impressive starting XI by the end of the month.
The wonderful word, ‘could’. Almost like that allows you to write the same old sh*t. weapon can do Do all kinds of things.
The January transfer window is now open and the Gunners could potentially be busy. Arteta’s side are currently embroiled in a battle to win the Premier League.
There it is again. Also, and without wanting to get too football cliché about it, Mediawatch isn’t exactly ‘getting involved in the battle to win the Premier League’. Embroiled relegation is for fights, contract disputes, war of words and other such unpleasant things. Never a title race.
And a number of players have already been linked with the Gunners. Take a look at the incredible side they could field in February:
There is no language problem here. The side we are invited to take a look at is quite literally ‘unbelievable’.
Let’s start where Arsenal can spend the biggest money – in attack. Saka’s absence could force them to sign a new right winger.
Athletic Bilbao star Nico Williams has long been linked with a move to the Emirates Stadium. And while Saka will likely be Arteta’s starting winger for the foreseeable future, Williams would be an excellent addition for now.
Unfortunately, we’re back to using some incorrect language here. ‘Possibly’ has been used in place of ‘definitely’, while the idea of signing Nico Actual Williams – one of world football’s hottest young talents – is a ‘for now’ stopgap solution. is a truly brilliant concept.
Next come the two most anticipated names for the wish list: Matheus Cunha and Alexander Isak. Arsenal do not intend to sign one of them. Completely Absurd and in his own right will also make a broad statement of intent in January and make significant upgrades to both the squad and starting XI.
Strangely, though, Orme admits with Isak that ‘the potential £150m price tag could potentially be a big hurdle’ given that they are apparently going to spend on the rest of those key January upgrades.
Maths enthusiasts out there will have noted that we are still one of the shiny new quartet that will lead Arsenal to inevitable glory.
A move to midfield could be another addition. After signing Mikel Merino from Real Sociedad in the summer, Arsenal could potentially reopen talks with the Spanish side for the services of former team-mate Martin Zubimendi.
Hmm
Earlier this year, reports suggested that he was ‘ready’ to move to the Emirates.
If only there were other reports or clues he could. No Be ready to go to England.
In many ways, though, this is our favorite line of the whole thing.
In defence, it is not expected that Arteta will opt to strengthen…
Yes, these things have to be realistic or there is a risk that it all becomes silly.
Here again, that Arsenal XI is in a completely new shape, complete with a completely new-look front three: Raya; Calafiori, Gabriel, Saliba, Wood; Rice, Zubemendi, Odegaard; Williams, Cunha, Issac.
You can’t deny that this is a truly ‘fantastic’ XI. One that is unlikely to ever exist in this or any other universe, of course, but wonderful nonetheless.
United Pint
gave The mirror There isn’t done, mind. Manchester United also have a dream, and that too includes four – sorry, four – new arrivals. In this instance, simply Alfonso Davies, Bruno Gomaris, Dani Olmo and Victor Giocris. Which seems half-understandable after the weapons nonsense.
But how can it be? Worried Ruben Amorm Remove all this while United risk being mired in a relegation scrap (see?)?
He just needs to convince Ratcliffe to loosen the purse strings first.
Ah
Athletic ability
We’re allowing ourselves one and only one of these because it’s the first media watch of the transfer window and we’ve got at least one example of our favorite bit of technically-correct-yet-correct-arrival headlines. Can’t let it pass without acknowledging it. Domestic this time of year.
Arsenal complete the first transfer of the January window as the defender deal is sealed.
How else can you explain Wigan signing 20-year-old Josh Robinson, a man who made zero senior appearances for Arsenal?
Sterling work
January’s first media watch as both Reach and Arsenal are heavy: how much of a shock to anyone. Anyway, the The mirror Here again with the classic one-two.
Headline shot:
Arsenal could cut short loan deal after Raheem Sterling transfer decision
Intro Chaser:
Arsenal have no intention of reducing Raheem Sterling’s loan deal – but are reviewing their options with Premier League rules restricting his recruitment.
hair today
Really big news from the world of football on this cold January morning, though, actually Ex Weapons players.
That’s right, Granit Xhaka has had a hair transplant.
We’ll give you a moment to take in the sheer magnitude of a story that clearly justifies, no, a 400-word, five-picture one. Mail online Update
Have you regained your composure? Well now we can hit you with it.
Xhaka stunned fans on social media last month when he was spotted on holiday with his wife Leonita Lekaj and their two children with a shaved head, in stark contrast to his old locks.
Sorry, what? flowing locks Granit Xhaka? is flowing Locks?
